2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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