There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
