oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
