a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
