That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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