The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
