Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
