i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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