TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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