Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
