you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
