The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize