I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
