Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
