Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize