I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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