i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
