Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
