it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize