to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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