I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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