Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize