So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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