Swine flu. Run for my life!
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
