I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
A+ Viking dick
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