News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
