But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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