I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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