Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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