Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
