At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
