That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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