he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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