In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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