dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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