apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
