It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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