I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
