I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
