the only muscles i have these days is kegels
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
