when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
