Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
