dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize