By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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