She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
