I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
