Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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