You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
