Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
