I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
