Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
