well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
