If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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