so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
