they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
