she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
