my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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