if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
