my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
