I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
