Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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