I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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