I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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