shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
