Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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